


50 Missives to Commander Erwin Smith Regarding Emergencies He Did Not Sign Up For

by kirui



Series: Being Commander Erwin is Suffering [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Gen, Headcanon, Humor, SnK Headcanons, SnK Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirui/pseuds/kirui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He enlisted in the military to fight Titans--not deal with highly destructive and disastrous subordinates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Missives to Commander Erwin Smith Regarding Emergencies He Did Not Sign Up For

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/55995676298/50-missives-to-commander-erwin-smith-regarding) as a celebratory post for hitting 200+ followers. 
> 
> Subheadings will link to the corresponding headcanon, if any.
> 
> **Additional Warnings** : For that pint-sized God of War and his potty-mouth.

[ **That Time When Levi Got Drunk** ](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/51622073692/headcanon-rivaille-is-an-alcohol-lightweight)

**01)** Commander, I sincerely hope this missive reaches you in time. We don’t know the details yet, but something happened to Captain Levi during dinner. He seemed fine at the beginning of the meal and was seen speaking with Squad Leader Hanji for a while. But after she left, he started to become even more verbally abusive. Auruo has locked himself in the kitchens to cry, and we can’t find Squad Leader Hanji anywhere. We think there’s something wrong with Captain Levi’s soup, but we can’t confirm this because he won’t stop drinking it. We’re not quite sure how to handle the situation, and I fear it will only escalate. Permission to evacuate the barracks, sir? — _**Petra**_

**02)**  Commander, please disregard the previous missive. Good news is, we’ve figured out what’s wrong with the Captain. Bad news is, we’ve figured out what’s wrong with the Captain. Captain Levi ~~is on his way to complete inebriation and has become difficult to manage.~~  has escaped the mess hall in a state of complete inebriation. We’ve preemptively evacuated the barracks as best we could. Awaiting further instructions. Please advise. — _**Erd**_

**03)** Commander, we’d really appreciate it if you could come and order the Captain to stand down. We had to sacrifice Gunter when the Captain got his hands on some extra-strength dish soap. Gunter was a good man. Petra and I are the only ones left. Situation looks bleak. — _**Erd**_

**04)** SeND hELp. — _**Auruo**_

**05)** Commander, we’ve managed to trap Captain Levi back in the kitchens. The Captain managed to raid the mop closet along the way though. Please come quick. We’re not sure how long Auruo can last. Situation dire. — _**Erd**_

**06)**  It wasn’t me. — _**Hanji**_

**07** **)**  Flagging this missive as high priority. Hanji’s pranks aside, I think the troops really do need some official intervention. And a morale boost after Levi’s through with them. Did you know he could fight in the Drunken Fist style? And here I thought drunk-boxing was only a myth. — _**Mike**_

**08)** If you come now, you’ll get to see Levi attempt to mop the cellar floor with Auruo Bossard. — _**Mike**_

**09)** Transcribing for Auruo: “I hurt. Why is this fucking happe—[he bit his tongue]. Mother, please forgive me. Tell her it was painless. Commander, where are you?” — _**Mike**_

**10)** Erwin, you should really hurry. I think Hanji wants to prolong her experiment by slipping him another dose of Little Water. At this rate, Levi’s going to run out of available surfaces to clean. I don’t know what that means under present circumstances, but I’m a little worried. — _**Mike**_

* * *

**[That Time When Hanji Invented A Laxative](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/52847496945/headcanon-hanji-once-invented-a-laxative-accidentally) **

**11)** Commander, I just wanted to be the first to inform you that I don’t know how it happened, but I’m really sorry and will do my best to keep the effects contained to the men’s barracks. (By the way, could you tip the messenger for me? I promised him extra if he could get to you before the other runners. Thanks boss!) — _**Hanji**_

**12)** Erwin, I know you created a list of codes to identify emergencies, but I can’t find my copy of the protocols right now so I’m calling this a Code Shit. _Code._ _Shit_. Just so you know. — _**Levi**_

**13)** Erwin, if there isn’t a Code Shitty-Glasses in our protocols yet, there should be. There’s not enough disinfectant in the world that would make this okay and I swear to fucking Sina if one more person craps his pants in the mess hall because he couldn’t make it to a toilet, I am setting fire to Hanji’s lab. — _**Levi**_

**14)**  ERWIN.  _DO SOMETHING_. — **_Levi_**

**15)** Erwin, I don’t know if these messages are just taking for-fucking-ever to reach you or if they’re not reaching you at all, but you had better not be avoiding the situation just because you don’t want to deal with a literal shitshow. — _**Levi**_

**16)** The fucking barracks smell like the fucking slums in the fucking summer when it’s hotter than a fucking Titan’s non-existent ass-crack. If there isn’t a clean-up crew on site by the time I come back, I am quitting forever, so help me Maria. — _**Levi**_  

**17)** We’ve lost Levi! -  _ **Hanji**_

**18)** Commander, I believe Squad Leader Hanji’s last missive was sent prematurely. What she meant to write is, we cannot find Captain Levi, but he was last seen headed towards the most Titan-infested area on his horse. Since more than half of the troops are currently indisposed, he went alone. (Squad Leader Hanji reports that 75% of the latrines are now out of commission.) — _**Petra**_

**19)** We’ve lost Mike! (UPDATE: 77% drainage failure.) — _**Hanji**_

**20)** Commander, Squad Leader Hanji has been misinformed. Squad Leader Mike is not lost. He actually left a few minutes before Captain Levi did and in the opposite direction towards the nearest [Red-light district](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red-light_district) for some “aromatherapy.” Squad Leader Hanji reports that we’ve lost use of 80% of the latrines. And still counting. — _**Nanaba**_

* * *

[ **That Time When Erwin Gained a Stalker** ](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/54433343295/headcanon-inner-district-noblewomen-love-commander)

(See also, [Rumour No. 077](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/53730593715/100-rumours-concerning-the-recon-squad-leaders-erwin))

**21)** Erwin, Lady Wilhelmina is looking for you. I suggest you avoid the courtyard for the next two hours. — _**Levi**_

**22)** Didn’t you get my message? I told you to avoid the courtyard! Can’t help you now—you’re on your own for dinner. Just keep looking constipated or something. And don’t eat the salad dressing. — _**Levi**_

**23)** Boss, Mike detected a large amount of aphrodisiacs in the sauce you sent. Lab results confirmed it to be twice the suggested concentration. That woman must really want into your pants. — _**Hanji**_  

**24** **)** Hanji’s already working on reverse engineering your admirer’s love potion. Seriously though, that is some quality stuff she was trying to slip you. — _**Mike**_

**25)** She’s waiting for you in the conference room antechamber. Suggested escape route: window, ledge, 3DMG to the library. — _**Levi**_

**26)**  Erwin, I don’t have enough money on me to continue bribing the servants to _not_  deliver these missives directly to their mistress. Threats to use them as Titan-bait seem to have no effect either. — _**Levi**_

**27)** Erwin, Sorry about your messenger pigeon. Didn’t know it was your favourite. Didn’t think it’d get intercepted by that woman’s huntsmen and get eaten. Have taken a few precautionary measures this time (re: the hawk—his name’s Faust). — _**Levi**_

**28)** Commander Erwin, who is this “Lady Wilhelmina,” and why has she sent me a letter inquiring about your body measurements? — **_D_** ** _. Pixis_**

**29)** Commander Erwin, my men inform me that there’s an extremely intimidating lady who’s offering a reward to whoever can reliably tell her the exact measurements of your manhood. She’s apparently offering extra for pictorial evidence. Just thought you should know. — _**Nile**_

**30)** Boss, I’ve submitted a request to the Generalissimo to have you recalled back to headquarters early for “urgent matters.” Mike and Levi should be handling the rest of the details on both ends, but it’s going to take at least 3 more days for the paperwork to process. Stay strong! — _**Hanji**_

* * *

**[That Time When Mike Got Sick](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/52735148767/headcanon-mike-doesnt-cope-well-with-colds-seasonal) **

**31)** Erwin, Mike can’t use his nose today. He sounds like a clogged toilet when he breathes and looks a bit manic around the eyes. The doc informs us that it’s just a cold, but he may be running a fever. The doc also prescribed him a bunch of meds. Either way, Mike’s in no condition to lead a patrol today, so I’m taking him off the active duty roster before he does something stupid. — _**Levi**_

**32)**  Erwin, I’m leaving an armed guard with Mike just in case. If anything happens, they’ve been instructed to report directly to you. The rest of the squads should be back after sunset. — _**Levi**_

**33)** Commander, Squad Leader Mike escaped the infirmary at 1800 hrs. We believe he is still within the barracks however. Will keep you posted. — _**Rene**_

**34)** Commander, Squad Leader Mike has been secured at 1830 hrs. We found him in Squad Leader Hanji’s personal labs. We believe he was trying to clear his nose with some of the stronger smelling distillations there. The side-effects have been disturbing. — _**Nanaba**_

**35)**  Commander, Squad Leader Mike escaped the infirmary again at 2000 hrs. Please disregard any subsequent emergency reports concerning a half-naked blond escapee. We will do our best to keep him contained. — _**Rene**_

**36)**  Commander, Squad Leader Mike has been secured at 2030 hrs. We found him in Captain Levi’s quarters, trying to put on Captain Levi’s extra 3DMG harness. It appeared that he had also attempted to clear his nose with the Captain’s more potent cleaning agents. Again, the side-effects are disturbing. — _**Nanaba**_

**37)**  Commander, Squad Leader Mike escaped the infirmary again at 2100 hrs. We believe he’s making a mad dash in the direction of the nearest brothel. Nanaba and Henning are in pursuit. Will keep you posted. — _**Rene**_

**38)** Commander, Squad Leader Mike has been secured at 2200 hrs. Permission to tranq him, sir? — **_Nanaba_**

**39)** Boss, just so you know for future references, you really shouldn’t use my proprietary tranquilizer blends on someone who’s already swimming to the gills in meds. Bad idea. — _**Hanji**_

**40)** Erwin, just got back. No casualties. Judging from the state of my room and spare equipment though, I’m going to assume that Mike escaped at least once. Consider this my official request for a replacement harness. — _**Levi**_

* * *

**That Time When Eren Ran Away**

**41)**  Boss, just letting you know that I had to implement Emergency Protocol JGR-RNWY-003. No need to worry though—everything’s under control. — _**Hanji**_

**42)**  Erwin, disregard anything Hanji sent you within the last 10 mins. Nothing’s under control. — _**Mike**_  

**43)**  Erwin, just tell Nile to spank his men until they learn to not be little sacks of shit, or else I will kick his ass. Then end that meeting and get the hell back here. We have a problem. — _**Levi**_

**44)**  Commander, I understand you’re still in a meeting right now, but Captain Levi has just instructed me to keep you apprised of the current matter before joining in the chase. The situation is this: Squad Leader Hanji dosed Eren with a mixture that was 2 parts sedative and 3 parts Vine Brew  ~~#6~~  #5. Then she told Eren to trigger a partial transformation so she could record the effects. Unfortunately, it seemed the compound didn’t agree with Eren and he  ~~went berserk~~  triggered a full-shift. He broke free of his restraints at 1400 hrs. As of 1430 hrs., he was last seen sprinting towards the trainee barracks and crying.  _—_ ** _Jean Kirschstein_**

**45)**  Commander Erwin, you need to call off Hanji and Jaeger ASAP. Or assign a therapist to the kid. I just had 3 recruits quit on me after witnessing what the rest of them are now calling “Flight of the Jaeger.” Have you ever seen a grown Titan cry? It’s damn disturbing. — _**K. Shadis**_

**46)** Commander, according to witnesses, Eren’s collateral damage so far includes 2 smashed supply carts, 2 smashed expedition wagons, 5 broken windows, and 3 punted Titan simulation apparatuses. Civilian response to a crying Titan is varied. — _**Jean Kirschstein**_

**47)**  Commander, Eren almost made it as far as Wall Maria before tripping on a small hill and falling into the lake. He is now throwing a tantrum while laying facedown in the water. — **_Jean Kirschstein_**

**48)**  Erwin, Shitty-glasses is having a field day and the brat is creeping out everybody but Mikasa Ackermann by refusing to change back. Now would you get your ass down here already. — _**Levi**_

**49)** Titan’s balls, even those Wall cultists sent someone to observe this freak show. — _**Levi**_

**50)** I got some great data today. Thanks boss! <3 — _**Hanji**_

 


End file.
